Italophile

The last time I watched America’s Next Top Model, some girl named Naima was winning and Adrianne Curry wasn’t yet a fixture one VH1, but when my roommate told me the latest episode takes place in Rome and features some pretty blatant butchering of the Italian language, I figured I was obliged to watch.

First of all: I’m pretty sure Tyra Banks superimposed her face on the Mona Lisa. The woman’s vanity knows no bounds.

Moving on… they’ve got some good obligatory shots of all of Rome’s best tourists destinations. However, I’m pretty sure some of the girls wanted to do a photo shoot by the Vittorio Emanuele monument, so you’ve got to question their aesthetic judgment.

How much do I love Claudio Brassini and his halting English? So much! “In Italy, you have to stand out to fit in” – I suppose standing out includes riding around piazzas on segways. Also, here is his example of a “typical Italian woman”:

I’m somewhat concerned that full-on purple ensembles, complete with plum-colored fur stoles, have become “typical” in my absence.” Let’s hope not.

I’m kind of enjoying everything until they start trying to pronounce Italian. The phrase “Facile, Brezza, Bella” comes out “fasil, bressa, bella” and I know it’s going to be painful from here on out. Also, I’m pretty sure “brezza” means “breeze” not “breezy” – get your adjectives and nouns sorted out ANTM!

The challenged proved to be way more than what most of them could handle. It called on them to walk, interact with an Italian actor, apply lipstick, and speak Italian. Apparently models aren’t the greatest multitaskers. Some of their attempts were so bad that I’m just going to refer to screenshots of the commerical’s director, Piersandro Buzzanca.

Anya was first up and, well, she said it herself: “My Italian was horrible, I don’t think I said one correct word throughout that whole entire thing.” Maybe she was unduly harsh on herself though, I did definitely catch the word “labbra” and in a lipstick commercial that’s a pretty good start. Here’s Piersandro’s reaction:

Next up is Katarzyna and she actually does pretty well for herself. In fact, the biggest gaffe comes from Jay Manuel, who combines his normal blowhardness with the seeking of linguistic affirmation from Piersandro: “You have to be part of the scene, present. It has to feel together, insieme, right? Is that like a word? He’s just like whatever!” Oh Jay, you and your darling ability to insert random foreign words into banal, nonsensical sentences!

Then there was Dominique. As Piersandro said: “The Italian words really didn’t work for her. To me it was Chinese.”

He then shook his head a lot and tried to hide behind one of his assistant. Not that I really blame him. The only word I could understand was “Brasilia” – kind of a non sequitor/worst possible pronunciation of the word “brillante.”

Lauren was just kind of uncomfortable and awkward, even when not speaking, so that was awful.

Fatima, on the other hand, was pretty good. Her pronunciation was a little problematic at times, but she made a good attempt at getting the rhythm right, even if she did overdo it a bit.

Finally, there was Whitney. But Jay wanted to focus more on whether or not she was sucking in her cheeks than how sucky her Italian was. Whatever.

Then we get to the elimination room. Tyra and co. are sitting in some ornate hall, flanked by knock-off classical statues. And how does Tyra greet them? “Ciao bellas.” Congratulations Tyra, two words of Italian, a mere three syllables, and you manage to screw up.

Oh no! Nigel follows Tyra’s lead with the “ciao bellas” faux pas. Someone needs to step in here: either speak Italian correctly or don’t speak it on national television. Ugh.

Jay Alexander makes me pretty proud with a well-placed “come stai?” Technically it should be plural (“come state“) rather than singular, but still pretty good.

Also, the Italian accent stumbles in and out of is outrageously bad. It varies from a Mario Bros. imitation to serpentine, way over-exaggerated Rs (we get it, Tyra, you can roll your Rs. Congratulations) to awkward choppiness. I’m not too sure what she’s shooting for, but at no time does she sound even remotely Italian.

Any positive impression I had of Fatima’s commercial (actually, watching it back, it sounds distinctively more Spanish than Italian) is ruined by the memory of Tyra banks groping herself and repeating random romance-language phrases. Officially scarred for life:

Is there some rule that everyone must wear leopard print?

Tyra finishes up the judging with a very ominous “Now it is time for the judges to deliberate and when I call you back I will announce which one of you will be la prima regazza ritornare i America!” Despite the fact that she was obviously looking at her script the whole time, Tyra still managed to leave out a preposition or two and mispronounce ragazza. Why do TV shows feel the need to insert foreign words? If you can’t pronounce it properly, just speak English! No one wants to read subtitles anyway.

Fatima wins (Katarzyna was robbed!) and Lauren loses. Jay Alexander sends her off with a melodramatic “ciao” and rips her name off his jacket.

Maybe I’ll check in next week to see what further disrespect they heap on Rome and the Italian language. According to the commercials, it will feature lots of fur, Tyra taking pictures and gladiatorial combat – does not bode well.